Via the Glass Castle blog: lessons for girls

A collection of posts and essays by female academics and feminist bloggers. Some of which I know; some I wish I’d known earlier instead of having to find out on my own the hard way; and others new to me, and I’m glad to have read about it now.

Excerpts:

1. It’s okay to be angry.

Girls are subjected to an impressive load of anti-anger propaganda. Snow White and Cinderella, at least in the mid-century modern Disneyfield versions we’re stuck with today in U.S. popular culture, are both specifically praised for remaining sweet and good-natured in spite of the fact that they’re turned into indentured servants by their stepmothers.

2. It’s okay to opt out of toxic situations and conversations.

Opting out doesn’t mean that you’re weak, nor does it make you a bad person. [...] it is not our responsibility to opt in and to engage in toxic situations or conversations.

3. On Pity

pity is the first step in the creation of any abusive relationship. As a child, the children we were supposed to play with out of pity were the abusive ones. Because we had been so exhorted to pity these children, we then felt guilty and conflicted about noticing that they were abusive.

4. Be Independent

Boys never are raised to think someone is going to take care of them. Girls need to always think in terms of supporting themselves, owning their own property, having their own bank accounts and lines of credit, paying their own way.

Instead, we are raised to believe that men will buy us dinner, movie tickets, gifts, a home, car, clothing, vacations. They will make the big bucks: Whether we work or not, they will be capable of and responsible for supporting the family. This is nuts. This leaves girls dependent, and in an unhealthy marriage it means women will be trapped.

5. Trust Your Instincts

I have one more: trust your instincts. By that, I mean judge people based on how they treat you, not based on hypothetical models of how people behave.

6. No Apologies

After reflecting on these posts, I realized that I’m apologizing too often. I’ve earned my position as Kick-Ass Lecturer through hard work and nothing else. No one gave me anything. I’m not sorry for being good at what I do.

7. It’s Okay If Not Everyone Likes You

find the friends who like you no matter what, who like you even if you want to write science fiction or collect rocks or wear weird clothes or be friends with the odd girl in the corner. I will tell her not to do things simply because a friend told her to because she’s afraid of not being liked, of losing that friend. Friendships based on mutual support are longer lasting and healthier than those based on weird co-dependent feelings. I see too many of these among girls, many based on this need to be liked.

8. You Don’t Have To Be A Mom

reproduction is yet another arena in which girls are given such a strong cultural message – that to be a “true woman” is to be a mom, that having children is a woman’s greatest possible destiny and the fulfillment of her true essence, that childless women are “bitter” and “selfish” – that it has become nearly impossible to make an informed choice about whether or not one wishes to become a mom. And, of course, these expectations are highly gendered: while some boys or men are encouraged to become dads, there is no parallel discourse that posits that reproduction is necessary to their personhood, in the same way that there is for girls and women.