SubscribeCame across this post was in my RSS feeds last night — it made me pause and think. I was still thinking about it this morning on my commute to work. It’s by Jake Adelstein, author of Tokyo Vice.
Even when we realize that we’ve made shortsighted, foolish, or difficult promises–it’s doesn’t nullify the promise. If we could retroactively change every promise we didn’t like or wish we hadn’t made—a vow wouldn’t mean anything at all. Of course, it’s hard to learn to not make those promises in the first place. Maybe that’s even harder than keeping a promise, learning the gravitas of our words. But when you break them, no matter how foolish they might have been–if you don’t at least regret it and ponder it, you haven’t yet learned anything. And ultimately that lack of regret makes a person untrustworthy and prone to do it again. People remember every missed appointment, every casually promised thing not delivered, or book not returned. Just as they remember every little favor you have done, or kindness you have bestowed upon them, or little promise to them that you kept. These all add up when we judge a person and ourselves and how others judge us as well. And if they don’t, they should.
Jake Adelstein
/ March 1, 2010They’re harsh words to live by and if you hold other people up to that standard, you may often be disappointed. And it won’t necessarily make you happy either. However, at the end of the day, there is a certain equanimity, sangfroid, and peace of mind that comes from knowing you are trustworthy. And when others know this, it makes them trust you, and sometimes they also become trustworthy. Not always.
Often, I find, honor is a unilateral affair. When it’s reciprocated, it’s a great thing.
Huiwei
/ March 2, 2010Thank you for dropping by and commenting!
Yes, I can’t agree more. I was raised in by a very traditional Chinese mother, who inculcated in me the importance of personal honor, or 义气. It was something that I’d always tried my best to live by, a notion so deeply ingrained I seldom thought about it, and even took it for granted. Your entry provided a valuable fresh perspective, and explained and articulated the concept very well.
I’ve been disappointed and betrayed many times by people who did not share this value; those were never pleasant moments, but knowing the fact that I had kept my word has allowed me peace of mind. Sometimes I’ve received help as well — unexpectedly — from others who believed in me due to the way I’ve conducted myself. I’m always amazed and tremendously grateful each time.